The cry of my heart

"This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way"

-"The Motions" by Matthew West

Goal #2

Goal #1 is in the process of being accomplished--opened savings account today.

Goal #2- Figure out the best way to finish out school so I can be teaching in a classroom ASAP. I work as a one-on-one instructional assistant, and I have found that I do better working with various children, not focusing on one all day. With more than one, they are (usually) not all misbehaving at the same time, and can balance each other out. With working with just one, if they have a bad day, you have a bad day. I take things so personally, and when he is not behaving well, I feel like I've failed. I really love kids, but am working hard to convince myself that I still want to be a teacher. I just have to rest in the promises that God has planted in my heart about my calling, and what gifts he has given me.

Until then, I will just have to look at pictures of this adorable niece I've got--and remember all the blessings he has given me.














<3

Life Goal #1

Well, I guess it's really a goal of the moment. Goal #1- Save money. I am notoriously bad at saving money. I really idolize my sister in this--she shops for groceries for the week all on $40. I spent $40 on one Nashville sweatshirt at the airport on Sunday. It makes me sick. It should make you sick, too. I feel like I don't use the resources that God entrusts me with like I should. There is so much that needs saving up for--a new car (I got in mine in the 85 degree weather today and remembered that the AC on my car doesn't work anymore. neither does the rear window defroster.), as well as enough money so that I will be able to make it through a semester of student teaching with no income. This will also entail coming up with a weekly budget once I figure out how much I will be able to save. Did I mention that I am bad with money? Ugh. I'm really glad God loves me no matter how much of a screw up I can be.

This weekend I went to visit my sister (VanderbiltWife--go read her blog!) and saw my niece get dedicated. She is undoubtedly the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. But I'm way biased.

Discontentment

A lot lately, I've been feeling discontent with all areas of my life. As a Christian single in a married church world, it can be so frustrating! I feel that the Lord has promised me that I will be married some day, but he's teaching me a lot about waiting in the interim. Lord, I don't want to wait anymore! So I've been sulking. I've drifted far away from him--more in the sense that I have no motivation to read the Bible, and sermons just bounce around in my head...not that I am trying to sin more, or turning my back on Him. I still pray--do you ever just feel like you're crying out in frustration instead of looking for His direction? In my time of struggle, I've looked for a blog or page that can help, so I don't feel like I am all alone out here in my 24-year-old singleness and frustration at God--but still loving him with all of my heart and deep underneath, really wanting His will for my life, because I know it's what's best. I haven't found what I was looking for, so I really want to try to be transparent, so maybe I can eventually inspire other 20-somethings who long for God's best.
Do you want to take this journey with me? It may be long, and full of complaints, but full of blessing. I know that if I try to follow him, he will bless me. Let me know you're out there, reader...as I think aloud.

Do you ever just feel like saying, "God, are you serious?"
It's been one of those weeks where this lesser Christian woman has been extremely astounded by my lack of composure. One of those weeks where all the smallest, miniscule, things go wrong--and add up to tears pouring down your face and feeling overwhelmed. But...God is bigger than I am. I am so thankful that he chooses to not reveal everything to me at once, but small bits a piece at a time.
The Bible says that God will never give you more than you can handle. But I really think he trusts me too much.

stolen from my sis :-)

To find your ROCK STAR NAME take your first pet & current car:

Pumpkin Lumina

To find your GANGSTA NAME take your favorite ice cream flavor and your favorite cookie:

Mint Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter

YOUR DETECTIVE NAME? Your favorite color and favorite animal:

Pink Monkey

Everybody wants a SOAP OPERA NAME, so take your middle name and the city where you were born:

Nicole Elkhart

Want to know your SUPERHERO NAME? Just add the word "The" plus your 2nd favorite color, and your favorite drink:

The Green Diet Dr. Pepper

Your NASCAR NAME. Take the first names of your grandfathers:

Lowell Arthur

If I ever go into WITNESS PROTECTION you can find me with this name. Your mother’s & father’s middle names:

Jean Paul

TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME? Just take your 5th grade teacher’s last name and add a major city that starts with the same letter:

Dietz Detroit

Of course, if you find me in witness protection I will assume it was because you were using your SPY NAME. Add your favorite season/holiday to your flower:

Fall Tulips

Tell your kids their CARTOON NAME by taking your favorite fruit, an article of clothing you’re wearing right now, now add "ie" or "y":

Pineapple Jeany

And lastly, your ROCKSTAR TOUR is heading across the northeast...it's called

("The” + Your fave hobby/craft, your fave weather element + the word “Tour”):

The Painting Wind Tour

Blessed

Just reflecting on my 24th birthday yesterday--I realize again how blessed I am. I celebrated with friends at lunch, at dinner, at small group...and all the while, I had postings pouring onto my wall on Facebook with well wishes from friends and acquaintances. In my 24 years, I think I'm realizing that it just continues to get better. When I think I may be blessed (and am!) with friends and places, etc., I move on to a new place, and build a new life and with even more friends--it happened when I went to college, and then again when I moved to Philadelphia a few years ago. Not only do I have friendships from the 15 years I lived in Virginia, but I have friendships from the four years at college, and now from my 2 years here. I am so blessed that, no matter the distance, some friendships still sustain--and those are the ones that are worth it the most.

I am so thankful for everything God has given to me in the past year. If you had asked me if I were happy on my last birthday, I probably would have answered with an honest no. Since then, I have fallen into my place here in PA and have more that I could EVER have asked for or imagined (Ephesians 3:20!). All I had to do was follow the Lord's leading. So, if you get even the smallest inkling that the Lord may be leading you somewhere, follow Him there! You will be infinitely blessed in return.